MIA Friend

This isn't the first time I've pondered my being a self described "MIA Friend".  I have a self degradating stance on friendship.  I deeply and profoundly have struggled my entire life to gain and maintain close female friends.

I believe that I now inevitably sabotage myself.  My angst over close friendships has placed an large amount of stress over any interaction with my "close" friends.  I will see my cell ringing and vibrating, I'll see one of my friends' names pop up, and I will not answer it.  Do I love them?  Yes, but I worry about what to say when I answer the phone, what they want, and how I will get off of the phone.

I always have a good time whenever a friend drags me out to interact, but it is a battle to get to that point.  Therefore, many 'acquaintances' have never gotten close enough to be friends.  My 'friends' know that they'll always be at a distance with me because of my struggle and need to keep people at an arms length away.

Am I a 'loner'?  I don't think so because I don't like to always be alone.
Am I anti-social?  No, I actually like and enjoy being out around people...once I get to that point.

I sometimes have to force myself into interactions.  I'll call my friends back, but only when I know they won't answer.  I'll leave a message, so they know that I am reaching out.  Almost like a silent, "Don't give up on me...I'm here".

I think my difficulties with friendships have something to do with my depression.  Complimented by the fact that I didn't have a female role model of how female relationships are supposed to work.  My mom never had and still doesn't have a lot of close female friends, which always made me feel sad for her.  However, I think her lack of female interactions has left me baffled about how to deal with my own female peer to peer interactions.

My husband goes out with his friends all the time, and I sometimes tag along.  I think it worries him that I don't have my own group of "friends" to hang out with at times.  I have grown so used to being alone that it doesn't bother me until someone points it out.  I've become somewhat comfortable with the idea of not having close friends.  Yet, a part of me struggles to accept it.  At points in my life I have craved friendship so terribly, and yet, I'm not sure how to gain and maintain it.

Friendships always seem like they require so much effort.  They seem difficult to me.  I never seem to say the right thing, call enough times, or care about the 'worries' in their lives.  I feel like I've always had so much of my own emotions to deal with that I never had time to handle anyone elses.  The thought of someone elses extra baggage just made me retreat.  Perhaps adult friendships would be easier if I just gave it a little effort.  Perhaps everyone else is so busy in their own lives that they don't require as much attention 24/7 like Junior High/High School/College friendships did.

I'm the friend who writes on your Facebook wall, "I haven't seen you forever.  We should hang out sometime soon!"  I will sincerely mean that I want to see the person, but I won't make any extra effort for it to extend from there.

My friendship skills are somewhat crippled.  I wish I didn't have to feel anxiety over people reaching out to me.  I wish I naturally flowed through friendships and interactions with ease, but I don't.  I wish I had more than 3 people I could call "close friends", and even then, I probably only see them once every 6 months to a year.  I wish I didn't have to force my interactions and they came naturally.

One of those close 3 friends, who was one of my bridesmaids, just called.  I saw her name on my phone, but I just couldn't pick it up.  She left me a voicemail.  I know she loves me, but I just I wish I had more strength to love her back like a friend deserves.

If anyone has any thoughts, ideas, or clarity feel free to comment.

All Things 'Baby'

My husband's house has sold AGAIN!  Lets hope these buyers are a little more mature in their decision making process, as I would be blown away if a second deal fell through.  I'm unsure of how long we have to move out, but it shouldn't be a problem since all of our stuff is still mostly packed up from the first time!  I'm cautiously optimistic, so I'm crossing my fingers and holding my breath until this deal is signed on the dotted line.

Lately I've been weirding myself out a bit with all things 'baby'.  If you ask me straightforward if I want a baby right now I would adamantly tell you "No way!"  Yet, I found myself logging onto 'TheBump.com' and creating 'baby name lists' for boys and girls.  Well, I might as well share what I've come up with...(I have no first/middle combos by the way)...then I'll get on with my rant.

Boys:                            Boy Middle Names:

-Everett "Rhett"           -Elliot 

-Alexander                    -Jonathan

-Jonathan                      -Ryan

-William                        -Liam

Girls:                             Girl Middle Names:

-Ava/Eva                        -Belle

-Emma                           -Grace

-Audrina                        -Scarlett

-Brianna                        -Vivian

-Claire

-Adrianna

-Scarlett

I've also noticed on Pinterest that I've been adding a lot more pins to my 'Bundle of Joy' board (ideas for my future children, - decor, - toys, - crafts, and - experiences).

I honestly don't know what to make of it.  I don't want a baby yet, but I'm subconsciously or consciously paying more attention to all things 'baby'.  If I really think about it I get a big "flip" in my stomach... the same "flip" in my stomach that I used to get when I thought about getting married.  It makes me want to laugh, but I don't dare mention word of it to my husband because I'm afraid it will freak him out as much as it is myself.

Btw, any suggestions on the name lists would help.  Which names do you like?  Which names strike you as odd?  Which first/middle name combos would you like together?  Please help me in my quest to name my imaginary future children. :-)

Calm Before or is it After the Storm?

I feel at peace today.  Oddly comfortable considering all the change going on around me.

I was finally able to secure a new job, which I believe can become a career.  I wrote a resignation letter (sent to to HR, my boss, and the five owners) and quit my terribly demeaning job.  My new job (hopefully career path) is customer service/inside sales.  I started out teaching elementary education, so working my way into another career has taken some time.  I have some customer service background, and am working my way into sales.  This position is a "gateway" into sales, which will be nice.  I see hope in it.  It is very a very reputable, solid, national Fortune 100 company.  I am very pleased with myself for gaining it and now I am in the position to prove myself.

We received a new offer on the house (we are still in the back-n-forth counter process), but the situation looks promising.

My Grandma's deteriorating health seems to have momentarily become stable.  She's 90 years old, the wife of my "favorite Grandpa", and wants to live in her own home until her time comes.  Therefore, my parents are doing the best they can as far as caring for her, making her comfortable, and granting her wishes... while her other children are trying to force her into a nursing home or hospice (neither of which she wants) because it will be "cheaper" than paying for someone (or my Mom) to help take care of her at her house.  My Mom, her daughter-in-law, has primarily been taking care of her while she continues to look for a job.  *Takes her to doctor appointments, advocates for her health and well being, visits her and helps clean, makes sure my Grandma doesn't get confused about her medicine doses, helps her when she falls/has accidents, and gives her company.  My Dad, who never gets upset about anything, was visibly upset yesterday when my husband and I visited my hometown.  He is upset that his other siblings are trying to go against my Grandmother's wishes, and my Grandma won't speak up for herself.  The situation made me angry on my Grandma's behalf, my Grandpa's behalf, and my Dad's behalf.  I am amazed that my aunts and uncles care more about the land/property/assets than they do their own mom.  I can tell it places a LOT of unneeded stress on my parents, which also makes me angry.  They are getting older too, and don't need it.  I told my parents yesterday, "I would never do that to you guys.  I would do what you wanted and respect your wishes to the best of my ability.  Your parents take care of you when you are a child, and it is your responsibility to take care of them when they need you as adults.  It doesn't matter if it is inconvenient or stressful... you do it because you love someone and because they would do it for you."

My husband and I helped my parents bucket water onto their garden for four hours yesterday.  We are having a severe drought, and my parents depend quite a bit on the food they harvest and can from their garden.  All four of us, my mom, dad, husband, and I, bucketed water onto rows and rows of corn, potatoes, green beans, lima beans, peppers, tomatoes, squash, cantelope, watermelon, zucchini, onions, radishes, kale, and the other things he has planted.  We bucketed for four hours...I can only imagine how long it would have taken my Dad by himself.  My husband helped, cheerfully taking buckets back and forth, not complaining once.  He never grew up doing such work, having a garden, or having to rely on it for food.  He grew up in a much better socioeconomic background, but he helps with a smile on his face.  I love him for loving my parents.  I love him for helping them as I would.  I love him for caring.  I don't think he knows how deeply my parents appreciate it, especially since they know how differently he grew up.

Crate and Barrel 'Charlaine 23" Pillow'

'Celia Candelabra'

Today I celebrated getting a new job by making a few splurges on myself for our future home.  I had pinned a few pillows from Crate and Barrel on one of my Pinterest Boards because I loved the colors (they match a color scheme I am going for).  However, they were way too expensive at $89.95 (YIKES!)  I saw that they were 50% off - STILL YIKES- but I splurged and bought two for our future home.  I also purchased a decorative candle holder for my Mom, as I know she doesn't buy things for the house.  I bought it for the room they are working to redo, but don't have the money for...so my husband and I have been buying things for it as gifts on special occasions.

The Right Man

One year ago today I posted this comment on FB, and I still mean every word.

"Now I'm standing at four corners, to have and to hold.
Now my love you stand beside me to walk life's winding road,
And I owe it all to you for taking a chance...
I finally found the right man." 

Deux Lux "Twinkle" Shoulder Bag ($115.00 reg. - Sale $42.00)

If that wasn't a dead giveaway, today is our 1st Wedding Anniversary.  <3  I asked my husband if I get a prize for lasting a year... lol....we are close enough to joke about his ex-wife only lasting 6 months before she had an affair.  We gave each other a high five and said our "goal" is for 2 years now.

We kept everything very low key this weekend.  We had a nice dinner out on Friday evening to a restaurant that we only go to on special occasions, and we had a little duo-shopping spree on Sunday (two new pairs of shoes for him, a few shirts and a purse for me).  I hid a card inside of his work computer, so he would find it at work today.

I, on the other hand, didn't feel like being in a negative stress inducing environment, so I called in "sick" at work and provided myself some much needed mercy.  If you've read any of my postings about my work place I'm sure you understand what I mean.  It's sad that such a negative place can make an ambitious hardworking person feel a need to shun work at any cost.  The work isn't hard, but the environment is deeply unhealthy.  I just didn't feel like putting up with it today.

My previous post detailed our selling/moving out of the house.  However, things don't always go as planned.  The prospective buyer (who I wouldn't mind giving an earful) who asked us to Move UP the closing date, expedited the inspection/appraisal process, decided to back out of the offer within 24 hours of closing.

We had already packed EVERYTHING - shoes, clothes, decorations, plates, books, dog toys, food, spices, socks, toiletries...literally everything.  We had rented a Uhaul, a storage unit, changed our forwarding address at the post office, paid for the HVAC system to be tuned/inspected, changed all of the utilities...  Now we have to go through the process of unpacking everything again, moving all of our boxes back downstairs into the basement, and make the house presentable again for the showing process.  My coworkers were surprised by how "well" I was taking it.  I  knew I couldn't fall apart because it would cause more stress for my husband, which he didn't need.

Not to mention, we lost an entire month of potentially showing the house to interested parties.  It is frustrating, but unfortunately besides getting the earnest money from the ex-buyer.

My husband was at a complete loss when we found out about it last Thursday.  He left work early and went home to attempt to start cleaning up the "mess" left by the potential buyer.  I took him out to eat, gave him a pep talk, and told him that essentially "this too shall pass".  I think selling this house weighs heavily on him because he knows I don't feel "at home" here (since it was the house he and his ex-wife picked out).  I've tried to tell him not to let it weigh so heavily on him.  The house will sell in time, we'll find a house of our own, and we'll eventually be able to start a family.

Living in Limbo

I can happily say that we accepted an offer on my husband's house.  We sign it over to the new owner this week, and move out next weekend.  After that, we are moving all of our stuff into a storage unit and moving in with his parents while we look for the right house.

I feel at a crossroads in my life at the moment.  Perhaps because so many things are happening at once, so my mind is boggled about where or how to focus itself.

Monday:  Second Phone Interview for a new job and work

Tuesday:  More Packing and work

Wednesday:  Inspection on the heating/cooling system in my husband's house and work

Thursday:  Signing over the house to the new owner(s) and work

Friday:  More Packing and work

Saturday:  Moving stuff into storage

Sunday:  Living at the In-Laws-House until ??/??/2012?

My mom was here yesterday to help us completely dismantle some of the house.  I never realized how much stuff was truly in there.  We packed for nearly 10 hours yesterday.  I thought that I had surely packed plenty away during the past few months, but apparently I underestimated just how much stuff was left.  Before she left, we loaded up her car with extra food, the hanging basket planters, my pet hedgehog, and fragile things that we were afraid would get broken in the moving process.  My feet were so sore by the end of the night that I had to take pain medicine to be able to sleep.

The kitchen is desolate.  A few random condiments are in the refrigerator, butter, milk, beer, eggs, cheese slices, and random bits of food.  One cabinet has boxes of half eaten cereal, granola bars, pop tarts, pancake mix, syrup, and a few other dry goods.  Our dinnerware consists of one pot, one pan, one spatula, 2 forks, 2 knives, 2 spoons, 2 plates, 2 bowls, and 2 cups.  Everything else we own is packed up.

The house looks void of personality.  All the vases, flowers, shelves, photos, artwork, books, decorative pillows, curtains and decor are packed and hidden.  I feel like I'm inside an empty shell.  It feels so odd and foreign.  Upstairs is filled with boxes and boxes of electronics, decor, clothes, shoes, holiday items, linens, dishes, and so much stuff that it fills my mind too.

I suppose living in this state of limbo feels like someone took the puzzle pieces of my life and temporarily disassembled it.  The problem is not with it being unraveled.  The problem is that I'm not sure when we're going to be able to put it back together.  We aren't sure how long we'll be living with his parents, saving money, and looking for the RIGHT house.

I obviously don't want to live there any longer than necessary, and neither does he.  However, the next house is a BIG deal to us.  It will finally be OUR house.  More importantly is the fact that this house will be the house that our future children are born in and spend the beginning years of their childhood in...which means that we have to take into account how many bedrooms it has, how much of a yard it has for them to play in, what kind of neighborhood it is in, the school district, etc.  We want to make a good, educated choice and not rush into it.

Our First Dance - June 2011

Our one year anniversary is eight days away, on June 18th.  It's a dream come true that we will no longer be in the home that he shared with his first wife, but it is a bit daunting that I'll be living with my in-laws.  I get along with them fine, but it is never ideal to have to be sharing spaces when you aren't used to it.

I think the part that will bother me the most is that his parents aren't allowing us to bring our dog with us.  Thankfully, my parents have stepped in to allow Lula to live with them during the time being, even though their dog, Oscar hates Lula.  I'm sure it will work out fine, but I know I'll miss my dog.  She's like our baby, and I'm not sure how long our separation will be.  We'll be able to go and stay there on weekends, but it still isn't ideal.

My Grandpa and I, in 2004, five years prior to his passing

On top of all of this, today is the day that my favorite person, my Grandpa passed away 3 years ago.  His wife, my Grandma, has been quite ill lately.  My parents have been trying to keep her happy and healthy as long as possible, but at 90 years old it can be challenging.  She has been having a rough time the past week, and they aren't quite sure if she'll get better or worse.  It is just another thing on my mind....racing through with all of my other jumbled thoughts.