Craving Chocolate, Pizza, & a Reset Button

Ever have one of those days where you feel like you shouldn't have gotten out of bed that morning?  Well, today was one of those days for me.

I'm craving chocolate...pizza....a nap....a beer....a blissfully induced coma, or a reset button.  Actually, nix the 'reset button' idea because that means I'd have to experience today all over again, which I'd much rather NOT do.  Um, lets change it to a 'mute button' or 'fast forward' button...something more "user-friendly" for an anti-me day.

Things with the hubby have been a little frosty as of late, so I've been doing my best to do nice simple gestures for him.  However, things are still a little cool.  Waking up to that in the morning can be daunting enough...

Impossible to Please Perhaps?

On the other hand, I have the new job and the lovely new stresses that accompany it.  I realized from the get-go that our group's direct boss was going to be impossible to please, so I took it upon myself to realize that she will never be completely satisfied with anything I (or anyone else) does.  However, it's hard to remain neutral when she emails the WHOLE group to pin-point exactly WHAT you did incorrect, WHEN you did it incorrectly, and HOW it should be fixed.  I understand acknowledging my mistakes, fixing them, and learning from them in the future...but it's hard to not find it a little demeaning when the FIRST time you mess up she will broadcast it to the whole group as a "learning experience" (while so tactfully adding your name to it).  Nothing like a good dose of humiliation in front of your peers.  I've noticed almost everyone having been called out for something in some instance, however, it definitely pits the group against each other (or at least I sense this).

Just The New Girl Trying to Fit In

Everyone is out to "catch" someone making a mistake, everyone is warily watching their backs, and everyone treads as cautiously in each decision as possible.  However, it makes it hard to do your job when you are second guessing (or third, fourth, fifth, sixth guessing) every decision you make throughout the day.  On both occasions that I have been made into a "learning experience" it was due to the direction and guidance of veterans who work there.  I quietly and submissively took the criticism while they did nothing to pipe up that they were the reason I made the decisions I did.  I didn't throw them under the bus and blame it on them - although I very well should have - I just didn't think it would change the outcome by criticizing someone else.  However, I was very disappointed that my new "colleagues" would lead me astray based on their guidance and then not have the decency to inform our boss that my "mistake" was based on their unfavorable advice.  *Sigh*  I guess it's a dog-eat-dog kind of workplace.  I sat at my desk the last 30 minutes trying to remind myself that it wasn't personal and trying not to cry while I continued to do my work.

Finger-Pointing & "Learning Experiences" via Group Email!

Then I had a therapy session...which you can imagine my answer when the therapist asked, "Hows your day been?"
My answer: "It's okay".
Therapist answer:  "It's okay - like it's good?  Or It's okay - like it's bad?"
My answer:  "It's okay - like it's shitty."

Forty-Five minutes, 3 Kleenexes, countless tears and a long chat later left me completely drained.  I drove home feeling like I had accomplished something, but I'm still not sure of what that might be.  I suppose I left a little more confused than when I came.  Nonetheless, I feel a little better somehow.

I can't help but feel a little daunted by going to work tomorrow.  I've had an upset stomach for days, nightmares about it for the past 2 nights, restless sleep, and I keep trying to tell myself to feel lucky and happy for the job.  I keep trying to remind myself that I'm doing this for my husband, for our new home, for our future kids... but, when will I be doing it for me?

Three slices of mushroom and sausage pizza
One oversized chocolate brownie
A can of Diet Pepsi
And I'm ready for bed... I guess that will have to be my "reset button" because it all starts again tomorrow.

Present-Day Battles

I can't believe it has been nearly a month since my last post.  Mainly because a lot has been going on in my life, so it has been hard to find free time (when I have some sanity about me) to jot down some of my thoughts here.

First of all, almost immediately after my last post, I received a job offer.  I've been quite busy with my book training (week 1), hands on training with a coworker (week 2), and this week I'm essentially 'on my own'.  It has been stressful, but I'm learning quite a bit of material over a short period of time.  All in all I feel confident in my work so far, however, I always feel a little wary and nervous of interactions with coworkers.  My face never accurately conveys my emotions - for example:  I'll be very focused and thinking deeply about something, but my face will look completely pissed off (which is instinctual and I can't change - even though I've tried!).  Therefore, you can imagine why I can appear negatively to others around me, which always makes me nervous - especially when it isn't something I can control!

Another thing that has been taking up a large quantity of time is 'spring-cleaning' the house for prospective buyers.  We've completely overhauled the house - inside and out - while keeping up regular maintenance for 'showings'.  Not to mention that spring/summer adds a whole new dimension of work with outside mowing, pruning, flower planting, weeding, watering, filling up bird feeders, fertilizing, etc.  However, I can honestly say that the house has never looked better, so it surprises me that we haven't had more showings.  Especially since we've dropped the price from our original listing...

All the added stress with work and trying to sell the house has taken its toll on me personally, as my 'depression' is always something I have to watch and regulate.  It has been causing a great deal of riffs between my husband and I...I always assumed that he understood what depression was, however, from our recent conversations I know that his understanding of it is very limited.  He thought that I had 'depression' that normal people experience at least once in their lives - they go through a rough spot and are able to come out of it after a time.  However, I have Dysthymia (Chronic) Depression, which my doctors have indicated that I have ALL the time  (aka. Regularly low moods, but not as severe as Major (Clinical) Depression.
Clinical Depression is something I occasionally suffer from if a bad event happens, *at that point I would be defined as having "Double Depression".  I added links if you'd like to know more about them.

Honestly, I NEVER tell anyone that I suffer from depression (even though antidepressants are the second most prescribed medicine after blood pressure meds - which should tell you how many people actually suffer from it).  I never talk about it with anyone because there is far too much of a stigma associated with it in society, to the point that even I JUDGE people when they say they have depression!!  Talk about hypocritical right?

I've never been at a point in my life where I was able to take my 'disease' by the horns and truly figure it out, so I recently started therapy in hopes that I can better understand my own moods.  I want to know how to notice my mood changes, and what I can do to help or prevent them.  I know that my serotonin levels aren't normal, which is why I take medicine to regulate it.  However, I think that therapy strategies will only serve as another tool to arm myself with against a disease I battle with daily.