Present-Day Battles

I can't believe it has been nearly a month since my last post.  Mainly because a lot has been going on in my life, so it has been hard to find free time (when I have some sanity about me) to jot down some of my thoughts here.

First of all, almost immediately after my last post, I received a job offer.  I've been quite busy with my book training (week 1), hands on training with a coworker (week 2), and this week I'm essentially 'on my own'.  It has been stressful, but I'm learning quite a bit of material over a short period of time.  All in all I feel confident in my work so far, however, I always feel a little wary and nervous of interactions with coworkers.  My face never accurately conveys my emotions - for example:  I'll be very focused and thinking deeply about something, but my face will look completely pissed off (which is instinctual and I can't change - even though I've tried!).  Therefore, you can imagine why I can appear negatively to others around me, which always makes me nervous - especially when it isn't something I can control!

Another thing that has been taking up a large quantity of time is 'spring-cleaning' the house for prospective buyers.  We've completely overhauled the house - inside and out - while keeping up regular maintenance for 'showings'.  Not to mention that spring/summer adds a whole new dimension of work with outside mowing, pruning, flower planting, weeding, watering, filling up bird feeders, fertilizing, etc.  However, I can honestly say that the house has never looked better, so it surprises me that we haven't had more showings.  Especially since we've dropped the price from our original listing...

All the added stress with work and trying to sell the house has taken its toll on me personally, as my 'depression' is always something I have to watch and regulate.  It has been causing a great deal of riffs between my husband and I...I always assumed that he understood what depression was, however, from our recent conversations I know that his understanding of it is very limited.  He thought that I had 'depression' that normal people experience at least once in their lives - they go through a rough spot and are able to come out of it after a time.  However, I have Dysthymia (Chronic) Depression, which my doctors have indicated that I have ALL the time  (aka. Regularly low moods, but not as severe as Major (Clinical) Depression.
Clinical Depression is something I occasionally suffer from if a bad event happens, *at that point I would be defined as having "Double Depression".  I added links if you'd like to know more about them.

Honestly, I NEVER tell anyone that I suffer from depression (even though antidepressants are the second most prescribed medicine after blood pressure meds - which should tell you how many people actually suffer from it).  I never talk about it with anyone because there is far too much of a stigma associated with it in society, to the point that even I JUDGE people when they say they have depression!!  Talk about hypocritical right?

I've never been at a point in my life where I was able to take my 'disease' by the horns and truly figure it out, so I recently started therapy in hopes that I can better understand my own moods.  I want to know how to notice my mood changes, and what I can do to help or prevent them.  I know that my serotonin levels aren't normal, which is why I take medicine to regulate it.  However, I think that therapy strategies will only serve as another tool to arm myself with against a disease I battle with daily.