MIA Friend

This isn't the first time I've pondered my being a self described "MIA Friend".  I have a self degradating stance on friendship.  I deeply and profoundly have struggled my entire life to gain and maintain close female friends.

I believe that I now inevitably sabotage myself.  My angst over close friendships has placed an large amount of stress over any interaction with my "close" friends.  I will see my cell ringing and vibrating, I'll see one of my friends' names pop up, and I will not answer it.  Do I love them?  Yes, but I worry about what to say when I answer the phone, what they want, and how I will get off of the phone.

I always have a good time whenever a friend drags me out to interact, but it is a battle to get to that point.  Therefore, many 'acquaintances' have never gotten close enough to be friends.  My 'friends' know that they'll always be at a distance with me because of my struggle and need to keep people at an arms length away.

Am I a 'loner'?  I don't think so because I don't like to always be alone.
Am I anti-social?  No, I actually like and enjoy being out around people...once I get to that point.

I sometimes have to force myself into interactions.  I'll call my friends back, but only when I know they won't answer.  I'll leave a message, so they know that I am reaching out.  Almost like a silent, "Don't give up on me...I'm here".

I think my difficulties with friendships have something to do with my depression.  Complimented by the fact that I didn't have a female role model of how female relationships are supposed to work.  My mom never had and still doesn't have a lot of close female friends, which always made me feel sad for her.  However, I think her lack of female interactions has left me baffled about how to deal with my own female peer to peer interactions.

My husband goes out with his friends all the time, and I sometimes tag along.  I think it worries him that I don't have my own group of "friends" to hang out with at times.  I have grown so used to being alone that it doesn't bother me until someone points it out.  I've become somewhat comfortable with the idea of not having close friends.  Yet, a part of me struggles to accept it.  At points in my life I have craved friendship so terribly, and yet, I'm not sure how to gain and maintain it.

Friendships always seem like they require so much effort.  They seem difficult to me.  I never seem to say the right thing, call enough times, or care about the 'worries' in their lives.  I feel like I've always had so much of my own emotions to deal with that I never had time to handle anyone elses.  The thought of someone elses extra baggage just made me retreat.  Perhaps adult friendships would be easier if I just gave it a little effort.  Perhaps everyone else is so busy in their own lives that they don't require as much attention 24/7 like Junior High/High School/College friendships did.

I'm the friend who writes on your Facebook wall, "I haven't seen you forever.  We should hang out sometime soon!"  I will sincerely mean that I want to see the person, but I won't make any extra effort for it to extend from there.

My friendship skills are somewhat crippled.  I wish I didn't have to feel anxiety over people reaching out to me.  I wish I naturally flowed through friendships and interactions with ease, but I don't.  I wish I had more than 3 people I could call "close friends", and even then, I probably only see them once every 6 months to a year.  I wish I didn't have to force my interactions and they came naturally.

One of those close 3 friends, who was one of my bridesmaids, just called.  I saw her name on my phone, but I just couldn't pick it up.  She left me a voicemail.  I know she loves me, but I just I wish I had more strength to love her back like a friend deserves.

If anyone has any thoughts, ideas, or clarity feel free to comment.