After the painstaking withdrawal process (nausea, debilitating headaches, hot/cold sweats) I started a new medicine. Usually, you want to give a medicine a good 2 months to 'work its magic'. While I'm not sad, I do find myself to be deeply irritated on this new medicine. Little things irk me, which I would normally brush off. I'm quick to anger and quick to react. I also feel disheartened about solving normal problems and issues throughout the day.
Thankfully I head back to the doctor next week to 'check-up' on how the change in medicine is going. Maybe the medicine will be switched back, maybe I'll stay on it longer to see if it improves, maybe the effect of shortened daylight is affecting me (like it normally does this time of year until December 21st - the shortest day), or maybe I will increase the dosage.
I don't know. I wish there was a simple solution instead of playing guessing games with your body. I tried to write a poem of sorts to adequately represent what it feels like to be inside myself right now...
My moods ebb and flow
Sometimes high,
but mostly
low
but mostly
low
A calm façade masking irritation
Until crumbling, exploding with frustration
No reliable reason
Just my body’s own treason
One, two,…five…ten.
Breathe…out-in. out-in.
Why this anger? Why this sadness?
Any way to calm this madness?
Need to focus, need to breathe.
Don’t push away those around me.
Nobody sees this internal struggle
Only a b*tch causing trouble.
I think the part I hate the most about it, is that I start to feel like the world is unfair. I start to become biased, and I become overwhelmed by the negativity in everyday life that can normally be brushed off. I become this 'woa-is-me', 'life is hard', 'pity-party' person. I realize I'm doing it, but I have the hardest time curbing it.
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