Down

Last week I sat down with my doctor, and he decided it was best to switch the new medicine to another one (since I was having so much irritability).  I spoke to him about the difficulties of getting along with my husband (we've been fighting nearly every day since I started that medicine).

Unfortunately, I don't think this new medicine is working either.  My holidays were essentially a nightmare that I'm still struggling to pull myself out of.  We hosted my extended family at our house, which went well.  However, when it came time to be with his side things became a hell-hole of fury.

Christmas Eve, for the past three - now four - years, has been spent going to Christmas Eve mass with his dad, mom, and brother.  Afterwards, they go out to eat.  After the agitation of attending mass with them for the past three years (they sit in the back, talk, ignore mass, and leave early) I told my husband I would not be attending with them.  I was raised in a Catholic household that sat closer to the front to pay attention, didn't talk, focused on mass, and NEVER left early.  My thoughts are "If you aren't going to pay attention/leave early and get anything out of mass, then why go?"  I told my husband I would go to church, but we would be driving separately.  We would be sitting near the front, and if they wanted to join us they could.

His Mom made the comment (pouting), "______ and _______ aren't going to mass with us this year".  Then, quick as a flash, my brother-in-law's new money hungry fiance jumped in with, "OH, We'll go with you!!"  Suck-Up.

Anyhow, we met them at the restaurant that night.  My mother-in-law and father-in-law were both in odd moods (which I attribute to that fact that they are displeased with their son's quick engagement after six months of dating to a girl they barely know).  My brother-in-law's fiance, who is normally loud and in your face, was oddly mute.  I attribute it to the fact that she was meeting family for the first time.  Nothing says awkward like, "Hi, nice to meet you.  I'm engaged to your nephew."  My husband's two uncles and their wives were in from out of town, so all-n-all we had a party of 10 at the restaurant.  The conversation was painfully tense and awkward.  I drank, and drank, and drank, and drank to numb my mind to the awkwardness of it all.  A toast was made to the newly engaged couple, which I spitefully lifted to my lips, but didn't drink.  Yeah, yeah, childish on my part, but it made me feel better. After opening gifts from his parents the new-fiance gushed cheesily "THANKS MOM AND DAD" to my mother-in-law and father-in-law.  My husband rolled his eyes, while I mentally puked on the inside.

The next day we headed over to his parent's house, where all of his uncles, wives, cousins, and grandparents were assembled.  I had a raging headache from the previous night, and had to leave several times during the day to do some work.  I attempted to pretend to watch "A Christmas Story" on TV, which my husband knows I hate, in order to avoid talking to his family.  I normally get 101 questions and negativity from his rude grandmother.  She usually likes to tell my husband that he looks like he's gained weight, or ask me if I "really like" the new haircut I got.  Due to the fact that I had to drive constantly for work during the day, I wasn't able to drink (thus numb the pain of being around all of them).  Needless to say, my agitation with the whole situation grew and grew.  Eventually the party moved over to our house because my husband was insistent that everyone see our new place.  I had just gotten back from work (again), and his family blocked me in - I stomped into the house pissed off.  Tore off my boots, coat, and grabbed a shot glass out of the cabinet.  I cussed openly as I took a large generous shot.  His family looked at me like I was a wild animal.  I went into our living room, sat on the couch, and opened my computer.

I eventually went into the kitchen because his mom was rifling through our drawers and cabinets trying to find things, and I figured I should attempt to be a hostess - even though this wasn't my idea at all.  His mom put her arm around me and asked what was wrong.  I just stated, "I'm just tired from the past few days of staying up late, waking up early, and all the stress".  She said, "Well, suck it up".  Not the best idea to tell me that when I'm already pissed - I walked off.  I went into the dining room, where we had set up a Bingo game to play.  I had done this with my family a few days prior - we played Bingo and whoever won picked a gift.  The next person who won could pick another gift or steal a gift from someone else.  I was sitting down to call out numbers (like I did for my own family), and I started getting the guilt trip from my mother-in-law and husband about cheering up and getting a good attitude.  I told my husband, "You know, I announced for my side of the family, why don't you announce the numbers for your side of the family".  I stood up, and I walked upstairs to find some peace and quiet, only to find several family members wandering around exploring my house.  I shut myself into our exercise room, locked the door, and sat on the floor and cried.  I waited until I no longer heard noise upstairs and crept out.  I wandered into our bedroom, locked the door, and went to sleep.  I didn't come out until they had all left.  My husband is pissed at me, and hasn't really spoken to me since.

I can't say that I blame him, however, based on the situation with my medicine and the fact that his family is f*cking annoying, I can't entirely blame myself for not being able to deal with it either.

I sent him an email to say I was sorry and to try to explain a little.  However, he never emailed me back.  Yesterday was his last day at home on his break, and we spent it in silence.  He went outside to shovel 10 inches of snow off of our driveway, so I went outside to help.  His only interaction with me was to hand me his shovel after a while and say, "This one is easier to use".  A glimmer of kindness, but nothing more.  He made breakfast for himself, lunch for himself, and enough dinner for both of us.  He went to bed early and didn't say goodnight.  He left this morning without saying goodbye.  He came home for lunch and didn't say hello.

He's been talking to the dog more than me.  It is as though I am an inconvenience.  He doesn't care that I am having issues with my medicine.  He doesn't care that it is hard for me to control any anger or emotion.  He just knows that it frustrates him, and his way to deal with it is to yell at me or ignore me.  I've always felt I've been battling my depression alone.  Somehow I always thought that when I was married I would find the person who would help me not feel so alone anymore when I was struggling.  I was wrong.  I'm still battling it alone.  I'll always be battling it alone.  Nobody's here, and nobody can save me.  It's just myself and God, like it has always been.